There's only one way for me to find out. It’s a long shot but I have to take it. I say "What was the very first thing you ever said to me?"
Stuart says "How am I supposed to remember that?" I take out my cell phone and scroll to the beginning of my Twitter account. "Read this."
Looking doubtful, Stuart reads "Knock knock?" and looks up at me. I seize the moment and reply "Who's there?" "WILLUM GRANGER GODDAMNIT!"
"Willum Granger Goddamnit who?" "ME!" It IS Willum Granger! Regi whispers "Dad?" "Yes. It's me." "I don't believe it. How are you alive?"
"It's a complicated story." "They all are. Dad had a birthmark on his butt shaped like Philadelphia. Prove who you are. Show me your butt."
"My butt?" "Yes. We found the Philadelphia birthmark on the cadaver in my med school's autopsy lab. Until I see yours, that's my father."
"As your father's identical triplet, wouldn't Stuart have the same birthmark?" "Triplets don't have the same birthmarks or fingerprints."
"How can they be identical triplets if they aren't identical?" "They're identical in appearance but not in everything." "So, not identical."
"Some twins are mirror images." "Are their birthmarks also mirrored? Would they be like Philadelphia and Camden?" "It doesn't work that way"
Stuart says "Good grief!" and pulls down his pants. The birthmark on his butt looks like the City of Brotherly Love. Maybe he isn't Stuart.
"Regi says "It IS Philadelphia. OH MY GOD! DAD!?" "Are you sure? It looks like Houston." Stuart/Willum says "It's Philadelphia Goddamnit!"
Regi says "I never cared for Philadelphia." "Camden's not great either. What was your father's connection?" "None. It was just a birthmark."
"I may be sick!" "You're a cop. Get a grip" "No thanks." Willum pulls up his pants. Regi says "Dad. How can you be intact and be here?"
"Do you finally believe I am your father?" Regi hesitates and then goes over and hugs Willum. "Why didn't you tell me?" “To keep you safe.”
I say "You are Willum in the flesh?" "I am." "You faked your death and made A the fall guy?" "I did." "You have super powers?" "I don't."
"No powers? Isn't it true you rewrote all your DNA into palindromes?" "The reports of my DNA palindromage have been greatly exaggerated."
"Both your wife and daughter have names that are the same backwards and forwards. How can you claim you're not obsessed with palindromes?"
"Their names are palindromes? News to me." "Rachel Lechar? Regna RG Granger?" "Now that you mention it." "You deny it?" "Do geese see God?"
"That's a palindrome too!" Willum shrugs. Regi says "Who cares? Dad, why did you fake your own death and hide from us all these years?"
"And why come out of hiding now?" "I didn't know that Farley had been murdered." "Vaporized." "Yes vaporized." "In his Safe Room." "I KNOW!"
Willum turns to me "You knew. What gave me away?" "A couple of things. When I thought you were a ghost it made sense that you'd visit me."
The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery
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