Saturday, October 18, 2014

Code Pink! — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues!

Here are Week 91 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

What happened to Farley? Rixey and his men enter first and quickly fan out to each corner of the room looking for the erstwhile occupant.

Regi, Dot, the Concierge and I follow the cops in. No one is home. Rixey says "Are there hidden doors or secret closets?" Dot says "No."

Regi says "What's that smell?" "What smell?" "I detect a faint whiff of bowel." "It isn't me." "No, like you sometimes get in a path lab."

"Something is different about this room from the last time we were here." "Yes. Farley Granger isn't standing over there shooting at us."

"Something else I can't put my finger on." Rixey pokes around the empty desk and bare shelves. He says "I don't get this as a safe room."

"What do you mean?" "There's no phone or computer." "Farley had a thing about them." "No food, no water, no books, no TV. Nobody at all."

"How could he survive here? Why was he hiding? Why is everything pink?" Regi says "That's it! Farley's safe room wasn't this color before."

Regi is right! When we were here a little while ago the room was painted in muted greys, whites and silvers. Now everything has a pink hue.

Dot says 'Uh oh." He turns to the Concierge. "Call Containment. Get them over here quick." Rixey says "What is it?" "Don't touch anything."

"What is going on?" Dot gestures around the now in-the-pink safe room. "The pink sheen on everything may be what remains of Farley Granger."

"WHAT THE HELL?" Regi says "EWW!" I have been leaning on Farley's now-pink desk. I jump away and realize I stand on Farley's now-pink rug.

Everything pink. Pink floor, pink ceiling. Behind a pink desk, next to a pink chair is a pink belt buckle and Farley Granger's now-pink gun.

Pink. There's no way around it or through it. Rixey says "Doc, you're saying all this pink stuff was a person?" "That's Farley in the pink."

"That's impossible! What vaporized his entire body like this?" "I don't know. But we're all contaminated by this possible biohazard."

I say "A biohazard? What does that mean?" "It means that until we know what turned Farley into a pink mist, no one can leave this hospital."

Farley Granger another victim of an implausible murder? I always thought he was a dead ringer for his twin brother, but this is ridiculous!

That it comes to this! First Willum split, not in a good way. Now Farley's too too solid flesh melts, thaws and resolves itself into a dew!

Also, not in a good way. I normally take charge at times like this. As an ex-cop on permanent dismissal, my crime detecting hands are tied.

I pick up Farley's now-pink gun with a pen. "He used this gun. Bag it for forensics." Rixey says "Who asked you? This is my crime scene."

Rixey continues "And as for who will say who can leave, that is me." Dot says "No, as the current ranking medical authority that is me."

Dot and Rixey stand toe to toe. "You have no authority here" they say in unison. "Yeah? Who's going to stop me? I am. You and what army?"

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at 

Monday, October 13, 2014

Objects Are Closer Than They Appear — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues!

Here are Week 90 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"Rixey, you should hear what Dot is saying." "NOT NOW!" Favoring his injured hand, Rixey reapplies the crowbar to the doorframe. "OOMPH!"

I turn back to Dot. "Have you figured out why Granger is experiencing post-mortem immortality?" "You mean why his body hasn't decomposed?"

"He wasn't dipped in paraffin or formalin, yet here he remains." "By re-writing his DNA he made his corpse unavailable to nature." "Huh?"

"Gene remodeling led microbes to find him distasteful." "I knew it!" "What led you to find him in a school path lab?" "That I don't know."

"Why did you go to the Caribbean?" "I was sent to find Regi." "Who sent you?" "Her father's ghostly facsimile." Dot looks dubious. "Hmm."

"A 'ghost' sent you to find Regi?" "He said she was in danger and the end was near." "You went looking for the girl and found the ghoul?"

"Not a ghoul. More like the unwalking dead." Regi says "Hey! I wasn't that drunk!" "Not you, him." "Recruited by a ghost and yet you went."

"He offered to pay." "Cash or Bitcoins?" "No, cash. I owe your hospital $30,000 for work you didn't do. It was an offer I couldn't refuse."

"Who sent you down there?" "I thought it was Farley Granger, but he denies it." Regi says "Wait. You got paid to rescue me?" "Not yet."

"Didn't you tell me it was because you are in love with me?" "That too. He said you were in danger and the end is near." "The end of what?"

"The end of the world as we know it. He asked me if I was hard enough to deal with it and I said yes." Rixey comes over cradling his hand.

He says "You took money off the books?" "Not yet. My phantom visitor put my payment in escrow pending successful completion of the job."

"I agreed to do it because you had me cooling my heels on semi-permanent suspension." "And now I'm putting you on permanent dismissal."

Regi says "That goes double for me." "Regi, I didn't do it for the money." "Would you have come to get me for free?" "Well, no." "Un huh."

"I thought Granger's ghost was a figment of my imagination. I needed something tangible to go on." "And yet you believed he would pay you?"

"I know it sounds crazy in hindsight." "More than crazy." Rixey says "Whatever. You're finished with the force." "We'll see about that."

"Meanhile, how are you coming with that door?" "We can't open it." "Too bad. You should keep trying." "No. I've called in the Swat Team."

Dot says "That's not necessary. I have a key." "YOU HAVE A KEY?" "Yes. I always carry the only other key for just this type of situation."

Rixey turns to me "YOU KNEW THIS?" "Hey, I'm on permanent dismissal. It's no longer my problem." "I BROKE MY PINKY FINGER ON THAT DOOR!"

"Someone in this hospital should take a look. I suggest Dash." "Later. Dr. Dot, will you open the door?" Dot takes a key from his pocket.

Fitting the key into the lock, he gives it a turn and the door to Farley's safe room swings open. We all peer inside. The room is empty.

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at 

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Them Crazy Bones — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues!

Here are Week 89 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

Regi says to the Concierge "Are you sure Farley's safe room has no plumbing?" "Yes. That would have represented a possible entry point."

"So he always wears an adult diaper?" "No. That would be ridiculous. He takes a chamber pot into his safe room." "He goes potty?" "Yes."

I say "Not at all ridiculous." Rixey says "So your diaper idea is full of holes." "At least we're dealing with a perp who's potty trained."

"He's taken a step forward from diapers. Can you say the same?" Not rising to the bait, Rixey says "Same difference. He's not coming out."

"Forcing this door might injure Granger." "That's a risk I'm willing to take." The concierge says "You'll be billed for anything you break."

Rixey waves his arm dismissively. The Concierge says "Is police work always like this?" Regi says "I'm new to the scene. I wouldn't know."

Rixey's cops return carrying a crowbar and a screwdriver. "What is that?" "We figured that if we can't force the door we can unhinge it."

"The hinges are on the inside." "Oh. We'll pry it open." They insert the crowbar between door and frame and bracing four hands, pull hard.

The Concierge says "The door is reinforced. I doubt you can move it.” Sweat appears on their foreheads. They pull back with visible effort.

"You wimps!" Rixey grabs the end of the crowbar and puts his weight into it. The cops join in. "BREAK DOWN DAMN IT!" Dr. Dot walks over.

Dot asks "What are they trying to do?" "They are trying to break into Farley's safe room." "Why do they want to do that?" "To arrest him."

"Why do they want to arrest him?" "He shot at me and hit Regi." "Makes sense. Why didn't they ask me for the key?" "You have a key?" "Yes."

Dot had the key to Farley Granger's shielded room all along! I look past him to where Rixey and his two cops are struggling with the door.

The efforts to force the door appear fruitless. Straining against the crowbar, Rixey has turned a dark plum, veins bulging on his forehead.

One of the cops clutches his chest and drops to the ground. "I'm OK. I got a cramp" he gasps. Regi says "We should tell him." "In a minute."

"Dot, why are you here?" "I have Willum Granger's second autopsy results." "What's new?" "He died from splitting in two." "I knew that."

"Now we know twice." "Nothing else?" "Someone put his halves together." "I knew that too." "They did a sloppy job." "I didn't know that."

"A really inept post-mortem reconnection. The foot bone's not connected to the leg bone; the leg bone's not connected to the knee bone."

"Rixey and the cops go "OOMPH!" "The thigh bone's not connected to the hip bone; the hip bone's not connected to the back bone." "UMPH!"

"What does it mean?" "Them bones ain't gonna walk around." "I didn't think they would." "Yet somehow they've wandered from the cemetery."

"I'm looking into that." The crowbar slips from the door frame sending the three cops flying. Rixey shouts "OW! I've broken my finger bone!"

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at 

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Thinking Inside the Box — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues!

Here are Week 88 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"Or how about the Fire Department?" "I don't want the Demolition Squad or the Fire Department! Break it down! Put your shoulders to it!"

They look at each other and run at the door. They bounce off, grabbing their shoulders. "Oww!" Rixey says "Put your other shoulders to it!"

I say "Rixey, I have a suggestion." "What?" "Why don’t you use your head?" "That depends. Are you speaking literally or metaphorically?"

Regi says "I understand why he suspended you from the force." "Why is that?" "You make everyone else look bad." Rixey says "I heard that."

"Sure, flatter your boyfriend who isn't fit to wear a badge." "It wasn't flattery and so what if he's my boyfriend?" I say "I'm right here."

Rixey says "OK smart guy. How would you get inside?" I say "Simple. Your perp sequestered inside an impenetrable stronghold." "Obviously."

"You can't go in by force." "That remains to be seen." "You can't contact him." "Apparently not." "You can't walk away." "Not at this point"

"You have no acceptable alternative." "No." "So you can stand out here until Farley decides to come out on his own or you can coax him out."

"Arkaby, we can't do either." "That is your strategic error." "What is?" "Your problem is you're trying to think outside the box." "What?"

"You're thinking outside the box that is Farley's safe room. You won't solve your problem that way. You must learn to think inside the box."

"If you want to confront Granger you must make him come to you." "How do I do that? Smoke him out? Flood him out?" "No. Flush him out."

"What do you mean?" "Concierge, does Farley Granger's sanctuary have bathroom facilities?" "No." "That's your answer. We flush him out."

"We wait for him to come out for a bathroom break? That is the dumbest idea you've ever had." One of Rixey's cops says "Makes sense to me."

"Nobody asked you!" The other cop says "Do you have a better idea? I say we guard this door and grab him when he opens it to take a leak."

"And what if he doesn't come out? Maybe he's gone survivalist and doesn't need to use plumbing." Regi says "So where does he go?" "Depends."

"Depends on what?" "I mean he may be wearing an adult diaper." "An adult diaper? Why would he do that…oh. You think he may be incontinent?"

"No! He uses a diaper because his safe room doesn't have any plumbing." "In that case not very safe." Rixey says "Can we get on with it?"

"I won't order my men to stake out a potential pissant survivalist firearm assailant." "I don't think pissant means what you think it means"

"I know what it means." "I don't think so." Rixey says to his cops "Don't look so smug. Go get whatever you have to break down this door."

The cops take off. Rixey says "Pissant means a know-it-all, full of piss and vinegar." "You should know." "You're walking a very thin line."

"No, I'm standing still." "I order you to stand down." "One of these days you'll go too far and I intend to be standing there when you do."

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at 

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Knock Knock — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues!

Here are Week 87 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"I will decide what to grab and when!" Rixey replies "SOMEONE is going to be held accountable for this malfeasance! Maybe it will be you."

"Accountable? Malfeasance? Get over yourself! If you go in like that, we'll block your access to my Uncle's safe room. Right Arkaby?" "Um."

"Arkaby?" In every case there comes a moment when you find yourself standing at the fulcrum of a decision point; a moment of hard choices.

"Arkaby?" Everything that happens from that point will be irrevocably determined in an instant. Your hopes, your dreams, your immortal soul.

"Arkaby!" On the one hand, the boss I detest is appropriately demanding access to the scene of the crime to bring a perpetrator to justice.

"ARKABY!" On the other hand, the woman I love is intent on protecting her father's twin from consequences of his own worst inclinations.

"ARKABY!!" "No need to shout. Before anyone grabs anything or anybody, let's find Farley's safe room." The Concierge says "Ah! Here we are."

We stand before a large metal door with no handle or obvious opening mechanism. Rixey says "This is the safe room? How do you open it?"

The Concierge says "Only Farley can open this door from inside." "There's no way to open it from out here?" "No." "No other entrance?" "No."

"No tunnels underneath, airducts overhead or conduits on the side?" "All sealed." "Can you call Granger and ask him to open up?" "No phone."

Regi says "Arkaby, I didn't see this door when we were here before." "It must slide into the wall. It was open when your Uncle took us in."

Rixey paces back and forth. "There must be some way short of explosives to open this door." The Concierge says "Why don't you try knocking?"

Rixey walks up to the door and pounds on it with his fist. No response. He says to one cop "Give me your club." He knocks again. Nothing.

"We'll have to blast it open." The Concierge says "You can't. It's a blast-proof door." "Blast proof? Who has a personal blast-proof door?"

"In this case Farley Granger. It cost us a fortune to install it. You couldn't afford to blast it down." "Sure I could." "No, you couldn't."

I say "Listen to him. He bills at hospital rates." Rixey and the police exchange glances. "We're not leaving until you open this door."

Regi says "We can't have that." She goes up and slides the blast door to her left. "That wasn't so hard." Another door appears behind it.

"Damn! This is the door I remember. Farley locked and bolted it when we left." Rixey says "Can you open it?" "I can't. It's really locked."

Regi jiggles the door handle which remains unyielding. "Should I knock again?" "Don't bother." Rixey turns to his cops. "Break it down."

The cops look at each other. One says "Break it down?" "Yes." "You want us to break down this door?" "YES!" "We didn't bring any equipment."

The other cop says "We can call the Demolition Squad. They have surplus Pentagon stuff they could bring." "Just break it down yourselves!"

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at 

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Against the Wind — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues!

Here are Week 86 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

They discovered that most often people don’t wear perfume to embrace moral precepts. A scentsational bankruptcy left them holding the tank.

The thousands of gallons of perfume attracted millions of bees. Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly Headquarters became a hive of fruitless activity.

Bee activities may have been fruitless, but I got the point, repeatedly. The disoriented bees found my perfume-saturated body irresistible.

I eluded the LBDD bee swarm by the skin of my teeth, but with my facial features so distorted I was virtually incognito. It hurt like hell.

Then an irate motorist cleaned my clock when I parallel universe parked in his space. I woke at Body Parts R Us, prepped for facial surgery.

I refused surgery which my insurance considered elective and denied coverage. The Concierge still charged me for services not rendered.

Rixey says "Arkaby? Are you still with us?" "Yes. I was reliving my last experience with this character. Don't let him near your wallet."

The Concierge says "Do you have a warrant? If not you'll have to leave." "With a report of shots fired, we don't need no stinking warrant."

Regi says "Concierge, why are you running around the halls of Body Parts R Us in your shorts?" "Whose shorts should I be running around in?"

I say "No, you misunderstood her question. What she means is, whose halls should you be running around in?" "That's not what I mean at all."

Rixey pushes past us. "Take us to where Farley Granger has concealed himself...NOW!" "OK! OK! Keep your pants on while I get my pants on."

Rixey says "Pants or no pants, move!" Raising his hands, the Concierge says "You sure you don't want us to pull that stick from your ass?"

Rixey levels his gun at the Concierge. I step between. "Easy now! It's not worth the cost of the bullet, which he'll likely charge you for."

Regi says "You work for this hothead?" "Work WITH is a better way to put it. He can go overboard when riled up." Rixey holsters his weapon.

Through gritted teeth he says "Can we PLEASE proceed to Farley Granger's safe room?" The Concierge says "Of course since you ask so nicely."

Methodically stepping into a pair of pants, he zips up and says "All set." The Concierge leads the way. Rixey and the cops bring up the rear.

Rixey says "A passion defending justice is not 'going overboard'." "I agree he is annoying, but I never felt the need to pull a gun on him."

Regi says "Try to keep it in your pants in the future. It's bad enough that my Uncle Farley is trigger happy without you cops joining in."

Rixey says "You're a fine one to talk about keeping it in your pants." I say "She's not referring to your penis." "I know what she means."

Regi squares off in front of Rixey. "Do you really?" "ARE you referring to my penis?" " I’m referring to your trigger finger, not your dick.

"I assume you can tell them apart. In the upcoming pissing contest I don’t want you to grab the wrong thing and shoot Farley by accident."

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at 

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Nose of the Beeholder — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues!

Here are Week 85 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"Me? Tell me what needs to be fixed and I'll fix it." "You don't get it. I deal with things at the 30,000 foot level. You just muck around."

"Someone's got to do it." "Yes. Just not you." I think Poe but say "You said I could watch you work. Let's focus on the reason you're here."

Rixey pauses. "Ah yes. Where is the perp who shot at you but hit her?" Regi says "That 'perp' is my uncle. What will you do?" “Arrest him.”

"You can't arrest Farley!" "You’d shield an uncle who shot you? Arkaby, where do you dig up girlfriends?" "She's not my girlfriend." "Hey!"

"I mean, she IS my girlfriend, but I didn't dig her up. I dug up her father." "Oh?" "I mean, someone else dug him up. That's the mystery."

"That's what you say. I haven't seen a body yet." "It's being autopsied as we speak." "Fine. Now where do I find this Farley character?"

"Follow me." Regi and I lead Rixey and his team into the hall just as the man in t-shirt and shorts jogs past. Rixey says "Who is that guy?"

I realize I know him. It's the Concierge I met the first time I was hospitalized at Body Parts R Us. He billed me $40K for parts not taken.

He had wanted me to trade in my then current body for a brand new model just to make his monthly quota. When I demurred he billed me anyway.

Sweat clouding his brow, the Concierge stops on a dime and gives us a once-over. As he picks up the dime he says "Mr. Arkaby? Miss Granger?”

"Why are you here? Reconsidering corrective surgery? Why have these police come to Body Parts R Us? Are they looking to replace body parts?"

"This is my…I mean, this is YOUR lucky day! You are ALL in luck. We have special end of year deals on a wide range of surgical procedures!"

"We're not here for clonesmetic surgery. We're arresting your boss." "What for?" "He tried to shoot me." Regi says "And he shot me instead."

"You're arresting Dr. Dot?" "Not Dot. Farley Granger. Isn't he your boss?" "Farley? He shoots at everyone. He doesn't mean anything by it."

Rixey nods toward Regi and says. "It means something to the person he hits." "Well, sure. It's just that he never has hit anyone before."

I say "One thing puzzles me." "What?" "Why do you have year end specials in the middle of the summer?" "Our fiscal year ends in September."

The Concierge says to Rixey. "You're also police? Don't you need some part of your anatomy enhanced?" I say "He's referring to your penis."

"Last time I was here cost a fortune and they did nothing." Rixey smiles "You wanted to enlarge your penis?" Regi says "He didn't need it."

Everyone is silent, lost in thought. Then Regi says "After all the damage was to his face." Everyone says "Ah!" "I was stung by bees." I say

I don't blame the bees. While investigating Willum Granger's murder, I tumbled into a vat of Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly's surplus perfume.

LBDD had attempted to market perfume to seniors. Their disastrous 'Scents and Sensibility' campaign linked smelling good to moral precepts.

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)