Sunday, September 14, 2014

Against the Wind — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues!

Here are Week 86 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

They discovered that most often people don’t wear perfume to embrace moral precepts. A scentsational bankruptcy left them holding the tank.

The thousands of gallons of perfume attracted millions of bees. Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly Headquarters became a hive of fruitless activity.

Bee activities may have been fruitless, but I got the point, repeatedly. The disoriented bees found my perfume-saturated body irresistible.

I eluded the LBDD bee swarm by the skin of my teeth, but with my facial features so distorted I was virtually incognito. It hurt like hell.

Then an irate motorist cleaned my clock when I parallel universe parked in his space. I woke at Body Parts R Us, prepped for facial surgery.

I refused surgery which my insurance considered elective and denied coverage. The Concierge still charged me for services not rendered.

Rixey says "Arkaby? Are you still with us?" "Yes. I was reliving my last experience with this character. Don't let him near your wallet."

The Concierge says "Do you have a warrant? If not you'll have to leave." "With a report of shots fired, we don't need no stinking warrant."

Regi says "Concierge, why are you running around the halls of Body Parts R Us in your shorts?" "Whose shorts should I be running around in?"

I say "No, you misunderstood her question. What she means is, whose halls should you be running around in?" "That's not what I mean at all."

Rixey pushes past us. "Take us to where Farley Granger has concealed himself...NOW!" "OK! OK! Keep your pants on while I get my pants on."

Rixey says "Pants or no pants, move!" Raising his hands, the Concierge says "You sure you don't want us to pull that stick from your ass?"

Rixey levels his gun at the Concierge. I step between. "Easy now! It's not worth the cost of the bullet, which he'll likely charge you for."

Regi says "You work for this hothead?" "Work WITH is a better way to put it. He can go overboard when riled up." Rixey holsters his weapon.

Through gritted teeth he says "Can we PLEASE proceed to Farley Granger's safe room?" The Concierge says "Of course since you ask so nicely."

Methodically stepping into a pair of pants, he zips up and says "All set." The Concierge leads the way. Rixey and the cops bring up the rear.

Rixey says "A passion defending justice is not 'going overboard'." "I agree he is annoying, but I never felt the need to pull a gun on him."

Regi says "Try to keep it in your pants in the future. It's bad enough that my Uncle Farley is trigger happy without you cops joining in."

Rixey says "You're a fine one to talk about keeping it in your pants." I say "She's not referring to your penis." "I know what she means."

Regi squares off in front of Rixey. "Do you really?" "ARE you referring to my penis?" " I’m referring to your trigger finger, not your dick.

"I assume you can tell them apart. In the upcoming pissing contest I don’t want you to grab the wrong thing and shoot Farley by accident."

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at 
@Twitstery)

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Nose of the Beeholder — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues!



Here are Week 85 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"Me? Tell me what needs to be fixed and I'll fix it." "You don't get it. I deal with things at the 30,000 foot level. You just muck around."

"Someone's got to do it." "Yes. Just not you." I think Poe but say "You said I could watch you work. Let's focus on the reason you're here."

Rixey pauses. "Ah yes. Where is the perp who shot at you but hit her?" Regi says "That 'perp' is my uncle. What will you do?" “Arrest him.”

"You can't arrest Farley!" "You’d shield an uncle who shot you? Arkaby, where do you dig up girlfriends?" "She's not my girlfriend." "Hey!"

"I mean, she IS my girlfriend, but I didn't dig her up. I dug up her father." "Oh?" "I mean, someone else dug him up. That's the mystery."

"That's what you say. I haven't seen a body yet." "It's being autopsied as we speak." "Fine. Now where do I find this Farley character?"

"Follow me." Regi and I lead Rixey and his team into the hall just as the man in t-shirt and shorts jogs past. Rixey says "Who is that guy?"

I realize I know him. It's the Concierge I met the first time I was hospitalized at Body Parts R Us. He billed me $40K for parts not taken.

He had wanted me to trade in my then current body for a brand new model just to make his monthly quota. When I demurred he billed me anyway.

Sweat clouding his brow, the Concierge stops on a dime and gives us a once-over. As he picks up the dime he says "Mr. Arkaby? Miss Granger?”

"Why are you here? Reconsidering corrective surgery? Why have these police come to Body Parts R Us? Are they looking to replace body parts?"

"This is my…I mean, this is YOUR lucky day! You are ALL in luck. We have special end of year deals on a wide range of surgical procedures!"

"We're not here for clonesmetic surgery. We're arresting your boss." "What for?" "He tried to shoot me." Regi says "And he shot me instead."

"You're arresting Dr. Dot?" "Not Dot. Farley Granger. Isn't he your boss?" "Farley? He shoots at everyone. He doesn't mean anything by it."

Rixey nods toward Regi and says. "It means something to the person he hits." "Well, sure. It's just that he never has hit anyone before."

I say "One thing puzzles me." "What?" "Why do you have year end specials in the middle of the summer?" "Our fiscal year ends in September."

The Concierge says to Rixey. "You're also police? Don't you need some part of your anatomy enhanced?" I say "He's referring to your penis."

"Last time I was here cost a fortune and they did nothing." Rixey smiles "You wanted to enlarge your penis?" Regi says "He didn't need it."

Everyone is silent, lost in thought. Then Regi says "After all the damage was to his face." Everyone says "Ah!" "I was stung by bees." I say

I don't blame the bees. While investigating Willum Granger's murder, I tumbled into a vat of Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly's surplus perfume.

LBDD had attempted to market perfume to seniors. Their disastrous 'Scents and Sensibility' campaign linked smelling good to moral precepts.

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Fortwitten Love — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues!




Here are Week 84 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!


I remember how hard it was to pull my pants up with numb fingers. Before I recovered, Regi's mother hustled her off, not to be seen again.



So here we are. Grasping my grey necktie, Regi pulls me towards her. We kiss and I ask "Did you just eat a petite madeleine?" "No. Why?"



"No reason. This is unfinished business?" "The start of it yes." We kiss. Regi says "You taste like licorice and crème de menthe." "Me too."



I loosen my tie and shrug off my jacket. Regi says "Are you getting ready to fight with me?" "No. I intend to surrender unconditionally."



Shifting out of her hospital scrubs, she pulls me on top. Again I taste the madeleine of her lips. I kiss her throat, and taste pomegranate.



I plant butterfly kisses on her breasts, tasting honey. I nibble an earlobe and taste earwax. Regi says "I have one question and a request."



"What?" "You traveled all the way to the Caribbean to 'rescue' me. You risked your job and your life without a thought of a reward. Why?"



"I love you." I brush my hand down her firm stomach. She says 'Mmm. That's nice! Lower." I say "I love you" in a deeper voice. She laughs.



"That's an old one." She pushes me so we roll over and she's on top. We kiss. "I think I love you too." "Just think?" "I'll let you know."



She loosens my belt. We both breathe in gasps. "So you rescued me because you love me?" I manage to say "Mfumph." "Then I have one request."



"Is… is your request that I use protection?'" "No. Yes! No, it's will you stop tweeting on that damn cellphone? Just for a while?" "Yes."



I am awakened sometime later by rapping on the chamber door. Regi lies beside me. She says "Let me sleep Ma. I'll look for a job tomorrow."



"Tis some visitor" I mutter "tapping at my chamber door. Only this and nothing more." "Open up!" says a familiar voice. I reply "Nevermore!"



Regi asks "Who is at tapping our chamber door?" "Tis the wind and nothing more!" Rixey and a police squad barge in. He says "Working hard?"



I brush back my raven hair and quote "Thing of evil! Bird or devil! What brings you here?" Rixey says "I came to catch you nearly napping."



Nearly? What means this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore? Unfazed, Regi dons her scrubs and murmurs "What a bore!"



Pulling on her shoes, she looks Rixey over. "Dressed up like a million dollar trouper. Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper. Super Dooper."



Rixey says "Is she putting me on?" "You're the Rix. Why the hell are you here?" "YOU called me." "Oh, right." "You can watch me in action."



Regi says "Who is this joker?" "Rixey, my Division chief." "You report to him?" "Sometimes." Rixey laughs. "Nevermore, if I can help it."



I have never seen Rixey with a hair out of place. His suit is always perfectly pressed, his tie perfectly tied, his shoes perfectly shined.


Regi is right. He does look like a million dollar trooper! I know how to deal with the likes of him. "Rixey, what is your problem?" "You."


(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Frozen Lust - Live-Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues!



Here are Week 83 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!


I miss the days when I could hammer a landline phone handset on the desktop until I got a response. Pressing cell buttons isn't the same.

I consider smashing my phone against the wall. Instead I say "Listen IVR. Patch me through now or I will hunt you down and disconnect you."

After a pause the IVR says "To speak to the Desk Sergeant, press 1." That's more like it! I press 1. "OK. I'll connect you. Please hold."

At last! A familiar voice comes on the line. "Rixey speaking." Rixey? Why him? Rixey has been my nemesis since I began with the Department.

Throughout my police career Rixey has never failed to undermine my activities and or belittle my performance. I never could figure out why.

My suspension from the force was the happiest day of his life. Why did the IVR connect me with him? "This is Arkaby." "What do you want?"


"I want to report shots fired at a police officer." "Which officer?" "Me. The shots were fired at me." "Aren't you off active duty?" "Yes."

"You aren't really reporting shots fired at a police officer." "OK. Just shots fired." "Who fired them?" "Farley Granger." "Did he hit you?"

"No. He hit Regna Granger. His niece." "Uh huh. Is she OK?" "Yes. We're at the Body Parts R Us Hospital. Are you sending a car out or not?"

Silence. "Rixey?" "A minute while I visualize your girlfriend taking a bullet for you." "Regi's not actually my girlfriend." "Uh huh."


I hear muffled laughter. "Am I on speaker?" "Maybe." "Do what you want. I'll handle things here." "Keep your pants on. We'll be over ASAP."

"Listen Rixey. You and I had our differences in the past. You think I'm an incompetent boob. I think you’re a self-righteous narcissist."


"What's your point?" "Something's happening here. We need to put differences aside. Stop being an asshole for once and take me seriously."


"I'll take you seriously when you stop being an idiot." "Let’s both stop on the count of three. 1, 2, 3." A pause. "You're still an idiot."


I sigh. "And you're still an asshole." "Nice talking to you." "Wait. There are real crimes here and I can't make any arrests." "Like what?"


"I've discovered an illicit Caribbean trade in cadavers." "A what?" "A Caribbean medical school has been importing cadavers illegally."


"That's why Farley Granger shot at you?" "No. He shot at me because I wouldn't give up my cellphone." "Why did he want you to do that?"


"Because of the Singularity." "The what?" "The inevitable emergence of human level machine intelligence." "Arkaby, have you been drinking?"


"Not a drop. It's very simple. Farley shot at me because I brought my active cellphone into his shielded safe room here at Body Parts R Us."


"He believes that a self-aware computer is controlling us through our cellphones and the only solution is to go completely off the grid."


"Why is that computer selling cadavers to a Caribbean medical school?" "That's a separate issue. I don't yet know who is trading corpses."


"I need evidence. What proof do you have of cadaver trafficking?" "I have Granger's body on which an autopsy is being performed right now."


"Wait. Farley Granger who shot at you is dead? Who killed him?" "No one. The cadaver I brought back is Willum Granger, Farley's good twin."


"Good twin or reasonable facsimile?" "Dead twin but not forgotten. Or buried." "You found his body at the Caribbean medical school?" "Yes."


"How did you get possession of the body to transport it back here?" "That's a long story." "Sounds to me like you're the lawbreaker here."


"Like Granger, you are nothing if not persistent. Actually, you are nothing. Send a car. I need some shuteye." "Just don't leave the state."


"You think you can threaten me?" "I just did." "I can make threats too. Once I have Granger's autopsy results, I'm gone." "Try it, idiot."


My phone reads "Call Ended." He hung up on me! I say "I love you too" into the severed connection. "You are one sick puppy." Rixey replies.


"Rixey? I thought you hung up!" "Uh huh. I've logged your call as required by law. We'll get to you when we get to you. NOW I'm hanging up."


"Make it soon or I take matters into my own hands." Silence. He really hung up! "You self-serving sonavabitch!" Rixey says "I'm still here."


"Don't do anything stupid 'til we get there…oh wait." This time he really hangs up. To be certain I press the "End Call" button repeatedly.


My call to HQ complete, I am ready for action. Do I confront Farley in his safe room? Do I go another round with the Evolution Museum robot?


What about Willum Granger's autopsy? Has Dr. Dot figured out the reasons for his DNA self-modification and the root of his imperishability?


One thing is certain. I stand at the epicenter, the sole individual capable of reversing the course of possibly paradigm-shattering events.


Not a moment to lose. I return to Regi's hospital room. She is adrift in sleep, her long blond hair splashed across the starch white pillow.


I tread water beside her. Rixey said the police are on the way, but I won't hold my breath. I am exhausted. When was the last time I slept?


The other bed looks very inviting. Regi's eyes open. She pats the space next to her. "Come sit here" she says "We have unfinished business."


I sit beside her. "What business is that?" "When A locked us in the PD Morgue freezer something started we've never had a chance to finish."


I thought back to the day we confronted Granger's cold-hearted killer at Police HQ. He got the drop on us and dumped us in the deep freeze.


Facing certain death, we sought comfort in each other's arms, huddling together to ward off the cold. What had we started in that freezer?


I remember how Regi's lips were reminiscent of a petite madeleine soaked in hot limeflower tea. I remember melting together despite the cold


I remember the freezer door suddenly flying open and half the police department and all the principles of the case standing at the entrance.

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Monday, August 18, 2014

Phone Rage - "The Golden Parachute" Continues!



Here are Week 82 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

I miss the days when I could hammer a landline phone handset on the desktop until I got a response. Pressing cell buttons isn't the same.

I consider smashing my phone against the wall. Instead I say "Listen IVR. Patch me through now or I will hunt you down and disconnect you."

After a pause the IVR says "To speak to the Desk Sergeant, press 1." That's more like it! I press 1. "OK. I'll connect you. Please hold."

At last! A familiar voice comes on the line. "Rixey speaking." Rixey? Why him? Rixey has been my nemesis since I began with the Department.

Throughout my police career Rixey has never failed to undermine my activities and or belittle my performance. I never could figure out why.

My suspension from the force was the happiest day of his life. Why did the IVR connect me with him? "This is Arkaby." "What do you want?"

"I want to report shots fired at a police officer." "Which officer?" "Me. The shots were fired at me." "Aren't you off active duty?" "Yes."

"You aren't really reporting shots fired at a police officer." "OK. Just shots fired." "Who fired them?" "Farley Granger." "Did he hit you?"

"No. He hit Regna Granger. His niece." "Uh huh. Is she OK?" "Yes. We're at the Body Parts R Us Hospital. Are you sending a car out or not?"

Silence. "Rixey?" "A minute while I visualize your girlfriend taking a bullet for you." "Regi's not actually my girlfriend." "Uh huh."

I hear muffled laughter. "Am I on speaker?" "Maybe." "Do what you want. I'll handle things here." "Keep your pants on. We'll be over ASAP."

"Listen Rixey. You and I had our differences in the past. You think I'm an incompetent boob. I think you’re a self-righteous narcissist."

"What's your point?" "Something's happening here. We need to put differences aside. Stop being an asshole for once and take me seriously."

I'll take you seriously when you stop being an idiot." "Let’s both stop on the count of three. 1, 2, 3." A pause. "You're still an idiot."

I sigh. "And you're still an asshole." "Nice talking to you." "Wait. There are real crimes here and I can't make any arrests." "Like what?"

"I've discovered an illicit Caribbean trade in cadavers." "A what?" "A Caribbean medical school has been importing cadavers illegally."

"That's why Farley Granger shot at you?" "No. He shot at me because I wouldn't give up my cellphone." "Why did he want you to do that?"

"Because of the Singularity." "The what?" "The inevitable emergence of human level machine intelligence." "Arkaby, have you been drinking?"

"Not a drop. It's very simple. Farley shot at me because I brought my active cellphone into his shielded safe room here at Body Parts R Us."

"He believes that a self-aware computer is controlling us through our cellphones and the only solution is to go completely off the grid."

"Why is that computer selling cadavers to a Caribbean medical school?" "That's a separate issue. I don't yet know who is trading corpses."



(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Your Call Is Very Important to Us - "The Golden Parachute" Continues!



Here are Week 81 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"We're short on patients just now." "Yeah. Your attitude leaves much to be desired." "We aren't short on patience, we're short on patients."."

"Short? You're running on empty, like that weird guy doing laps in the hall." The nurse says "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'll repeat. How can you run a hospital with no patients?" The nurse hands Regi a surgical top. "You're blouse is unwearable. Try this."

Favoring her wounded arm, Regi turns around and slips on the top. She looks fetching freshly scrubbed. The nurse says "You're set to go."

"Try not to do anything too strenuous for the next few days.” Regi says "How do I look?" I say "You look like you haven't slept in a week."

"While we wait for your father's results, we should rest." Regi frowns. "Thanks. I could sleep right here." The nurse says "No, you can't."

"As long as they're not in use, can if we sack out in one of your rooms?" She gives me a long look. "She's been shot. What's your excuse?"

"I also haven't slept in a week." "That explains it. She can use a room for the night. You can't" "That's OK. I have to make a phone call."

We walk along the corridor in search of a room. Regi says "Who are you calling?" "The nurse was right. I need to phone in Farley's assault."

The man in t-shirt and shorts jogs past again. I take a quick video. Who is that guy? http://media.giphy.com/media/wBXx8b03LM89y/giphy.gif

Regi says "I feel like the building is spinning." "Let's find you a place to rest." We enter an empty room and Regi lies down on the bed.

"I'll call it in about your uncle." "Tell them to hurry." I step into the hall and speed dial HQ. "You have reached the Police Department."

That was quick! "Press 1 if this is an emergency." Uh oh. I press 1. "Press 2 if this is not an emergency but rather an urgency." I press 1.

"Press 3 if this is not an urgency but merely 'of note.' Press 4 if you'd like us to call you back as soon as we can." I press 1 repeatedly.

Since when does the Police Department have an interactive voice response system? The IVR continues "OK. You pressed 1 for an emergency."

"Press 1 to turn yourself in for a felony and/or misdemeanor you yourself have committed." Why do I always have trouble with IVR systems?

"Press 2 to report a felony and/or misdemeanor someone else has committed. Press 3 if you are the victim of a felony and/or misdemeanor."

I press 3. The IVR says "OK You are the victim of a felony and/or misdemeanor. Press 1 if this felony and/or misdemeanor involved violence."

"Press 2 if this felony and/or misdemeanor was non-violent." As I press 1 I peek into the hospital room. Regi is asleep, snoring loudly.

"OK. You chose violence. Press 1 for firearms. Press 2 for stabbing or cutting weapons. Press 3 if no weapon was used. Press 4 for other."

The IVR is getting on my nerves. "This is Detective Arkaby. Transfer me to the Desk Sergeant at once!" "I didn't get your last response."

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Sunday, August 3, 2014

My Mind is Going - "The Golden Parachute" Continues!

Here are Week 80 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

Once outside Farley's office door I hear a series of bolts slide shut. I say "I guess he meant it." Regi says "He was always a recluse."


Why didn't you tell me your father was a twin?" "You never asked." Regi leans heavily on my arm. She says "I've bled all over my blouse."


We stand in a long, curved Body Parts R Us hospital corridor reminiscent of the spaceship in 2001: A Space Odyssey, but without the charm.


There is no logic to this hospital's layout. To find your destination, you just walk about randomly. "I don't know where to go to get help."


"Doesn't matter. Walk 'til we find a doctor." "I have bad memories of this place." "This is where I first found you flat on your back."


We stand by a nondescript hospital room. As we look a man in t-shirt and shorts jogs past us. Before we react he vanishes around the corner.
None animated GIF

I was brought here insensible after attempting parallel universe parking without a license: that is, parking my car in two spaces at once.

My mind drifts back to when Regi found me catheter and IV line tethered, prepped for cosmetic surgery to repair my bee-sting damaged face.


I ran afoul an enormous swarm of bees that congregated around Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly's surplus perfume storage vats. I looked terrible.


I looked worse than I felt I looked. In any case Regi didn't recognize me as the detective interviewed on TV concerning her father's murder.


Expertly if abruptly disengaging me from IV and catheter, Regi then engaged in my detecting of the instigator of Willum Granger's severance.


To our surprise, Granger's assassin was not only the former head of Body Parts R Us surgery but also the current police department Coroner!


Gazing at the empty hospital bed I realize how tired I am. Regi says "Arkaby, still with us?" I say "I'm here. Let's get you patched up."


The man in t-shirt and shorts jogs past again. We continue along the corridor, past sarcophagi and a large red scanning eye to an infirmary


The nurse at the infirmary counter glances at Regi's bloody blouse and says "Can I help you?" "My friend needs medical attention." "Uh huh."


She rolls up Regi's sleeve. "This is a bullet wound. Has Farley been shooting at things again?" "Huh? Just an accident." "I don't think so."


Regi says "Uncle Farley didn't mean to shoot me." "You're his niece? Who did he mean to shoot?" I say "Me." "Who are you?" "Call me Arkaby."


"I'm a detective." "A police detective? Why don't you arrest his trigger-happy ass?" "I'm on suspension. I will phone it in." "Uh huh."


"Why are you suspended?" Regi says "He let my father's killer lock us in a city morgue freezer while he escaped." "How did you get unfrozen?"


"My mother freed us and thawed us out." "Your mother is also with the police?" "No. She's a beekeeper." The nurse finishes Regi's bandage.


I say "I have a question." "Does it have to do with how to follow proper police procedure?" "No.” “Figures.” “Where are all your patients?"

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)