Sunday, November 23, 2014

How to Be a Super Sleuth — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues

Here are Week 96 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

Mom was not right after losing her bees. She'd wander around her Beeviary and I'd ask "What's wrong?” “None of my bees wax!" was her reply.

By day she's physically in the Beeviary, but mentally elsewhere. Each night she goes out, muttering to herself about her missing brood.

When Mom lost her swarm. I lost her. So I lost Dad and Mom at the same time, one to a brutal murder, the other to a "broodal" murmur.

Now I've lost Uncle Farley, Dad's ne'er-do-well twin brother. Well, I actually didn't lose him. I know where he is. I just don't know how.

Farley was vaporized. I'm a second semester medical student. What happened can't be explained by anything I learned in my first semester.

Who killed Farley and why? These cops are too busy playing "Who's Got the Biggest Dick" to solve this crime. Looks like it's up to me—again.

Last time I played detective with Arkaby it sent a chill down my spine. The killer shut us up the freezer where we almost became corpsicles.

Lesson learned: Leave the crime solving to the professionals. If only I could find some. If I didn't have Arkaby I don't know what I'd do.

It occurs to me I don't actually have Arkaby. By now he's been processed, booked and is cooling his heels in a cell. I better go get him.

I realize that while tweeting I have been continuously circling the Body Parts R Us corridors. I thought I was going out to call a cab.

How does Arkaby do it? While I'm writing this stuff I get distracted and bump into things. Tweeting isn't multitasking, it's multi-ignoring.

I've watched Arkaby conduct a full bore physical confrontation while his thumbs are working the cellphone keyboard. He never misses a tweet.

What else should I say about Arkaby? When I first saw him on TV I thought he was a joke. Then when I met him I finally got the punch line.

On first our encounter I immediately had second thoughts. He wasn't much to look at, his bandaged head swollen like a blister about to pop.

Unrecognizable, he was more interested in watching cartoons than solving Dad's murder. He got with the program once I yanked his catheter.

By "yanked his catheter" I mean just that. I yanked out his catheter. And I pulled his IV line. I freed him to continue his investigation.

As we wandered around Body Parts R Us, my first thought was he didn't have a clue. As I spent time with him I saw a method to his madness.

Arkaby is a subconscious sleuth, solving cases in spite of himself. In his own mind he's Batman. In reality he's more of a "reverse" Joker.

I've circled the entire BP R U corridor again. This continuous tweeting is distracting! How much time has passed? How does Arkaby do it?

In prison by now, he'll never know if I put it aside for awhile. Arkaby's phone rings. His ringtone is "Brown-Eyed Girl"? My eyes are blue!

The Caller ID is blocked. "Hello?" "Hi Regi." "Arkaby? How are you calling me?" "You're my one phone call. Are you coming to bail me out?"

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at 
@Twitstery)

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Why Would You Use Poison If You Can Kill With Honey? — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues




























Here are Week 95 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"This is crap. I can't believe this is happening. What? Oh. Arkaby says I should type my name so you know it's not him sending this message.

"They put him in cuffs and marched him off. Just like that. Before the goons grabbed him he handed me his phone and told me "Keep tweeting."

"Keep tweeting? What the hell does that mean? Why does Arkaby want me to text tweets on his cell phone until I can bail him out? Tweet tweet!

"My name is Regi Granger. Farley Granger who is the murder victim is my father Willum Granger's twin brother. He was also murdered. Arkaby…

"No! I'm Regi, daughter of Willum Granger, who was murdered and is Farley's twin who was murdered as well...This is harder than it looks!

"I wasn't murdered, that was my father and uncle. Detective Arkaby was involved in both and so his boss who is head detective arrested him.

"Arkaby solved my father's murder by figuring out it was the Police Coroner who once was my father's surgeon when he threw us in the freezer.

"The Police Coroner was my dad's surgeon at his cloning lab, Body Parts R Us. Dad had this thing about rewriting his DNA into palindromes.

"I need a break! I have to keep this up until Arkaby gets out of jail? This is harder than it looks!

"Tweet tweet!

"I've looked through Arkaby's phone apps. Level 347? When does he find time to play Candy Crush? He takes a lot selfies, always in shadow.

"What's the deal with that? Now I have to go downtown and bail him out. I don't know the deal, but I know that Arkaby didn't kill my uncle!

"When Arkaby showed up at my Caribbean medical school because my father's ghost sent him to rescue me, or so he said, I was happy to see him.

"Then we found my father in the pathology lab when he should have been back home resting peacefully in the grave we bought and paid for.

"Someone put Dad back together. Hmm. Arkaby's phone has a gun app. That will be a big help! I wonder if he has a "Get Out of Jail Free" app?

"The funny thing is my Dad's body hadn't decayed. McDonald's hamburgers don't decay but that has nothing to do with my Dad. Umm. Tweet tweet!

"Rixey's men are going over the crime scene under Dr. Dot's supervision. They still have their hazmat boots and gloves. I need a new outfit.

"I'll stop at home on my way to bail out Arkaby. I can change, grab a bite to eat and my checkbook. One problem: All my stuff is at my Mom's.

"I haven't spoken to Mom since she pulled me out of the Police Headquarters freezer. Before I could even say goodbye she whisked me away.

"Mom was Dad's second wife. His first, a classics language instructor, was one for the books. He lost his Latin lover and gained my mother.

"When Dad began to clone himself Mom said "Enough of you already!" and divorced him, then remarried him just so she could divorce him again.

"I don't blame Mom. Dad was the ultimate narcissist, cloning himself to the point where she didn't know whether he was coming or going.

"I can't complain. Not only was he always there for me when I was little, he was also there and there. He was the original multitasker.

"How does Arkaby do this tweeting in real time? I can't walk and text; I keep bumping into things. Come to think of it, that explains a lot.

"So "A" who was one of 26 single syllable siblings was Dad's cloning surgeon at Body Parts R Us and then became Head Coroner with the police.

"He stitched Dad up with quick dissolving sutures during his last transplant and then switched his cell phone's ring tone to "Call to Post."

"When Dad's phone played that tune his bottom half split from his top and took off. Oh, I forgot to mention that Dad used to be a race horse.

"Well, not exactly a race horse, but he ran in and won horse races. I never actually saw him run, but my money would be on him in any race!

"After the second divorce my mother took up beekeeping, constructing an enormous Beeviary to hold her hives. Everything was clover and honey.

"That is til all her bees mysteriously disappeared. And there was a problem with that toxic New Zealand honey. My Mom couldn't give it away.

"She'd tried to replace her lost bees with a hardier New Zealand breed. It turned out the honey they produced was harmful to human life.

"Attaching a warning label saying "USE OF THIS NATURAL ORGANIC PRODUCT MAY CAUSE VOMITING, DELIRIUM AND VIOLENT CONVULSIONS" didn't help.

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at 
@Twitstery)

Sunday, November 9, 2014

The Medium is the Mess Age! — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues



Here are Week 94 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"I step up to the plastic barrier and say "What's the problem?" A cop in yellow hazmat says "The lab rats want to contaminate a crime scene."

"A white-suited BP R U hazmat tech says "These cops will BE biohazard contaminated if they pass this barrier before we finish our tests."

"I press against the plastic barrier. Both white and yellow teams recoil in horror. "GET BACK!" They scream, waving their hazmat-suited arms.

""You'll contaminate us!" "To contaminate or not to contaminate. Hazmat is the question!" I press harder. "Don't make me come out there!"

"Rixey says "What are you doing?" "Applying psychology to resolve the dispute." As I speak the barrier falls forward to the ground. "Oops."

""I applied too much psychology." Dot says "You've tainted everyone in the corridor!" "They're in hazmat suits. How are they contaminated?"

"A new white hazmat-suited technician appears and shouts "Who breached containment?" All the white and yellow hazmat technicians point to me.

""Me? I'm the solution not the problem! We don't even know for sure that pink stuff is Farley's remains. He may have given us the pink slip!"

"The new white hazmat says "No he hasn't. I finished the DNA tests. It's Farley alright." Dot says "Any indication of what killed him?" "No."

""There's no indication of infectious biologic agents. We found no chemical residue as from an explosive device. Frankly, we're stumped."

"Rixey says "Then how was Granger sprayed all over his safe room?" Dot says "Well, we can rule out suicide." "I rule out NOTHING!" I replied

"Spontaneous self combustion was not at the top of my list of likely solutions. I hate ceding any ground when it comes to crime deduction.

"Dot says "Maybe this was self inflicted. Then how do you explain the other victim just like this I have in the autopsy lab next door?"

"So Farley isn't the only one to make a splash. "You have another liquefied body in your lab?" "No, his dead twin Willum. You knew that.”

"I know that. Willum Granger's body, torn in half by an overzealous surgeon somehow traveled to the Caribbean before I returned it Stateside.

"I know that. Farley Granger's body, deconstructed into its constituent parts by an unknown medium, has been scattered to the four corners.

"I look around the room. Farley's figure has become our new ground. McLuhan famously claimed that our media extend our bodies. Now I get it!

"Yellow and white suited techs remove their gear. I say "What's happening?" Dot says "There's no biohazard." "Are we free to go?" "Please."

"I turn to Regi "Now I can finally solve your uncle's murder. Let's get the hell out of here." She says "I'm ready. What's our first move?"

""No more confined spaces or locked rooms! I want the road to rise up to meet me, the wind at my back and the sun shining warm on my face."

""I'll put a spring in my step, a smile on my face and a song in my heart." Regi says "I'd settle for a change of clothing and a hot meal."

""OK. A spring, a smile, a song, a change and a meal. Then a crime to solve!" "And why Dad's body was stolen and shipped to my med school."

""Regi, as long as we're together, there's nothing we can't do!" "You really believe we can't do nothing?" "I do. We can't fail!" "Let's go!"

"I take Regi's hand and we start down the corridor. Rixey says "Not so fast. Arkaby, you're under arrest for the murder of Farley Granger."

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at 
@Twitstery)

Sunday, November 2, 2014

I Can Hazmat? — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues

Here are Week 93 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"We weren’t exactly inseparable." Rixey says "I thought you were together the whole time." "I fell asleep. Arkaby joined me in bed later."

"Were you asleep long enough for Arkaby to gain entrance to Farley's safe room, administer his lethal mechanism and then cover his tracks?"

"You propose that in an extremely short span of time, Arkaby got through a barred door that completely thwarted you and your men?" "Yes."

"Once through that SOLE entrance he killed my uncle in a mysterious and unnecessarily thorough manner?" "Yes." "Then he hid it all?" "Yes."

"Removed all traces of pink residue from his person, relocked the blast-proof door FROM THE INSIDE, and then returned to my bedside?" "YES."

"Where he seduced me, caused me to feel things no woman has felt before and then fell asleep beside me?" "I'm not sure about the last part."

"Snuggling against me, spooning me in a way that drove me crazy with the desire to do it all again?" "I'm REALLY not sure about that."

"You think that's what happened?" "A working hypothesis." "It's also impossible!" I say "I made you feel things no woman has felt before?"

"More or less." Rixey says "I've learned that once you eliminate the improbable, whatever remains, no matter how impossible, is the truth."

"I drove you crazy with the desire?" "Yes. More or less." Rixey says "I'll give you the 'sleeping with' parts. Can we focus on the murder?"

Regi looks him squarely in the eye. "Not yours to give." I say "And you have that quote wrong." One of the cops says "Makes sense to me."

Rixey says "What parts do you find improbable?" I say "In the efficient case, I didn't want to do it, and even if I did, I couldn't do it."

"In the formal case, Farley's remains in liquid state will make the real killer hard to find." "Not hard for a real detective." "Uh huh."

"In the material case, the killer being an efficient killer will have left no material clues as to his or her motive or method of murder."

"In the final case, I've no logical reason to plaster Farley all over the place." "I can think of lots of reasons." "Maybe you did it then."

"Don't be ridiculous!" "I'm not being ridiculous, I'm being Aristotelian." "Save it for the judge." We hear sounds of scuffling outside.

Just outside the safe room Body Parts R Us technicians in white hazmat suits struggle with police CSI technicians in yellow hazmat suits.

Rixey and Dot say "Tell your men to stand down. No! You tell YOUR men!" I'm in charge here! No! I'm in charge!" I say "I'll settle this."

I step up to the plastic barrier and say "What's the problem?" A cop in yellow hazmat says "The lab rats want to contaminate a crime scene."

A white-suited BP R U hazmat tech says "These cops will BE biohazard contaminated if they pass this barrier before we finish our tests."

"They wear hazmat suits. How can they be contaminated?" I lean against the plastic barrier. Both white and yellow hazmats recoil in horror.

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at 
@Twitstery)

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Spontaneous Human Combustion! — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues


Here are Week 92 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

Body Part R Us lab techs arrive and set up plastic walls just outside the safe room door. At that same moment, Rixey's Swat Team appears.

At the door Dot says "Nobody comes in here without full Hazmat gear. Phil, get us ready for Isolation. Take samples here, here and there."

Regi says "Farley locked himself alone in this impenetrable room. How can this pink film be all that's left? Where is the rest of him?"

I wave my hand. "That's him all over. Dot will identify the remains." "And if it is him?" "Rixey's team will figure out who liquidated him."

"You think he was murdered?" "Someone gave him a shellacking, actually turning him into shellac." "Who would want to kill him like that?"

"To find out I need to know three things: What was the motive for the murder? What was the method? What is this stuff we just stepped into?"

I ask Dot "Could this stuff be tapioca?" "No" he says "That's highly unlikely." "It looks just like pink tapioca." "Believe me, it's not."

Dot's words reassure me. Tapioca always turns my stomach. Regi asks "Can he have done this to himself?" "I doubt he blew apart on his own."

"You don't believe in spontaneous human combustion?" "Where someone just bursts into flame without any obvious cause?" "It could happen."

"No. In a world of 7 billion people we don’t hear of anyone bursting apart while strolling down the street or sipping coffee at Starbucks."

"Maybe it was accidental." "No! It was cold-blooded murder!" Dot says "Who would kill Farley? Everyone liked him." Regi says "Not everyone.”

They look in my direction. "Me? I’ve got nothing against Farley. Sure, he impersonated his dead brother to send me on a wild goose chase."

He may have thought I'd die in the effort or come back totally discredited. When I succeeded he took a shot at me to avoid paying my fee."

"He humiliated me, put my life at risk multiple times, jeopardized Regi and owed me a lot of money. Those are hardly motives for murder."

Rixey says "I'm not so sure about that." He holds up his cell phone. "According to your own tweets, you and Farley had quite an argument."

I read from my self-reported skirmish with Farley "Don't make me take that gun away from you." Like a swift gut punch I realize the truth!

"Rixey, you follow me on Twitter?" "Only when I have to." There, preserved forever in my own words, is the account of my fight with Farley.

My own tweets incriminate me! Rixey says "Here is motive enough." "You really believe I turned Farley into a coating of pink molecules?"

"How did I do it?" "You could have done it with a few ounces of C4." "Which I didn't have." "Or some other kind of hypercorrosive compound."

"I don't know what that means." "Not the first time." "Rixey, you're grasping at straws! There's no way you can connect me to this crime."

Dot says "You may have had motive enough, but not the opportunity. You and Regi have been inseparable since you came here." Regi says "Um."

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at 
@Twitstery)

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Code Pink! — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues!


Here are Week 91 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

What happened to Farley? Rixey and his men enter first and quickly fan out to each corner of the room looking for the erstwhile occupant.

Regi, Dot, the Concierge and I follow the cops in. No one is home. Rixey says "Are there hidden doors or secret closets?" Dot says "No."

Regi says "What's that smell?" "What smell?" "I detect a faint whiff of bowel." "It isn't me." "No, like you sometimes get in a path lab."

"Something is different about this room from the last time we were here." "Yes. Farley Granger isn't standing over there shooting at us."

"Something else I can't put my finger on." Rixey pokes around the empty desk and bare shelves. He says "I don't get this as a safe room."

"What do you mean?" "There's no phone or computer." "Farley had a thing about them." "No food, no water, no books, no TV. Nobody at all."

"How could he survive here? Why was he hiding? Why is everything pink?" Regi says "That's it! Farley's safe room wasn't this color before."

Regi is right! When we were here a little while ago the room was painted in muted greys, whites and silvers. Now everything has a pink hue.

Dot says 'Uh oh." He turns to the Concierge. "Call Containment. Get them over here quick." Rixey says "What is it?" "Don't touch anything."

"What is going on?" Dot gestures around the now in-the-pink safe room. "The pink sheen on everything may be what remains of Farley Granger."

"WHAT THE HELL?" Regi says "EWW!" I have been leaning on Farley's now-pink desk. I jump away and realize I stand on Farley's now-pink rug.

Everything pink. Pink floor, pink ceiling. Behind a pink desk, next to a pink chair is a pink belt buckle and Farley Granger's now-pink gun.

Pink. There's no way around it or through it. Rixey says "Doc, you're saying all this pink stuff was a person?" "That's Farley in the pink."

"That's impossible! What vaporized his entire body like this?" "I don't know. But we're all contaminated by this possible biohazard."

I say "A biohazard? What does that mean?" "It means that until we know what turned Farley into a pink mist, no one can leave this hospital."

Farley Granger another victim of an implausible murder? I always thought he was a dead ringer for his twin brother, but this is ridiculous!

That it comes to this! First Willum split, not in a good way. Now Farley's too too solid flesh melts, thaws and resolves itself into a dew!

Also, not in a good way. I normally take charge at times like this. As an ex-cop on permanent dismissal, my crime detecting hands are tied.

I pick up Farley's now-pink gun with a pen. "He used this gun. Bag it for forensics." Rixey says "Who asked you? This is my crime scene."

Rixey continues "And as for who will say who can leave, that is me." Dot says "No, as the current ranking medical authority that is me."

Dot and Rixey stand toe to toe. "You have no authority here" they say in unison. "Yeah? Who's going to stop me? I am. You and what army?"

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at 
@Twitstery)

Monday, October 13, 2014

Objects Are Closer Than They Appear — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues!

Here are Week 90 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"Rixey, you should hear what Dot is saying." "NOT NOW!" Favoring his injured hand, Rixey reapplies the crowbar to the doorframe. "OOMPH!"

I turn back to Dot. "Have you figured out why Granger is experiencing post-mortem immortality?" "You mean why his body hasn't decomposed?"

"He wasn't dipped in paraffin or formalin, yet here he remains." "By re-writing his DNA he made his corpse unavailable to nature." "Huh?"

"Gene remodeling led microbes to find him distasteful." "I knew it!" "What led you to find him in a school path lab?" "That I don't know."

"Why did you go to the Caribbean?" "I was sent to find Regi." "Who sent you?" "Her father's ghostly facsimile." Dot looks dubious. "Hmm."

"A 'ghost' sent you to find Regi?" "He said she was in danger and the end was near." "You went looking for the girl and found the ghoul?"

"Not a ghoul. More like the unwalking dead." Regi says "Hey! I wasn't that drunk!" "Not you, him." "Recruited by a ghost and yet you went."

"He offered to pay." "Cash or Bitcoins?" "No, cash. I owe your hospital $30,000 for work you didn't do. It was an offer I couldn't refuse."

"Who sent you down there?" "I thought it was Farley Granger, but he denies it." Regi says "Wait. You got paid to rescue me?" "Not yet."

"Didn't you tell me it was because you are in love with me?" "That too. He said you were in danger and the end is near." "The end of what?"

"The end of the world as we know it. He asked me if I was hard enough to deal with it and I said yes." Rixey comes over cradling his hand.

He says "You took money off the books?" "Not yet. My phantom visitor put my payment in escrow pending successful completion of the job."

"I agreed to do it because you had me cooling my heels on semi-permanent suspension." "And now I'm putting you on permanent dismissal."

Regi says "That goes double for me." "Regi, I didn't do it for the money." "Would you have come to get me for free?" "Well, no." "Un huh."

"I thought Granger's ghost was a figment of my imagination. I needed something tangible to go on." "And yet you believed he would pay you?"

"I know it sounds crazy in hindsight." "More than crazy." Rixey says "Whatever. You're finished with the force." "We'll see about that."

"Meanhile, how are you coming with that door?" "We can't open it." "Too bad. You should keep trying." "No. I've called in the Swat Team."

Dot says "That's not necessary. I have a key." "YOU HAVE A KEY?" "Yes. I always carry the only other key for just this type of situation."

Rixey turns to me "YOU KNEW THIS?" "Hey, I'm on permanent dismissal. It's no longer my problem." "I BROKE MY PINKY FINGER ON THAT DOOR!"

"Someone in this hospital should take a look. I suggest Dash." "Later. Dr. Dot, will you open the door?" Dot takes a key from his pocket.

Fitting the key into the lock, he gives it a turn and the door to Farley's safe room swings open. We all peer inside. The room is empty.

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at 
@Twitstery)